On Trees
A tongue-in-cheek observation.
Trees.
Do you trust them? This question may shock or confuse you, but I must ask it. Do you trust trees? You need not answer now. I will share my research with you, and then I will ask again.
Let me begin with my observations.
I was raking my lawn on a cool fall day. As I raked, I realized that anyone who thought they could get 100% of the fallen leaves was only fooling themselves. You simply cannot get 100% of the leaves by its very nature. There are several reasons for this.
First, the tree does not drop all its leaves at one time.
Second, leaves blow in the wind, so even though you may have done an admirable job raking more leaves will invade your space. For our purposes, I would like to address the first reason mentioned.
Trees do not drop all their leaves at one time. I asked myself why. I even looked at the dominant tree in my yard and asked why. There was no response. But at that moment, I felt as though the tree was laughing at me. I quickly looked back at the area I had just raked clean of leaves. It was no longer clean. There were fresh leaves.
In the short moments, between the time I had raked and the time I wondered why the trees do not drop all their leaves at one time, new leaves had fallen. I looked at the tree. It was not only laughing at me, it was purposely tormenting me! I realized it was all part of a conspiracy to torment city-living humans who must rake leaves every fall.
A conspiracy? Yes! It is a clever and frightening conspiracy that occurs every fall on your property and mine. Let me explain.
The mechanics of raking are simple. You get a rake and you begin to rake leaves. The tines of the rake scrape the surface of the grass. The leaves cluster together for so you may pick them up and dispose of them. Simple right? So where is the conspiracy? It is right before your eyes!
Yes, the grass has conspired with the trees to torment you. Oh, perhaps that is too strong a statement. The grass by its very nature lays there and grows. Its motives are not sinister. It is more of an acquired need. Let me explain.
Over the years of cultivation, grass has become docile and domesticated. It is no longer wild; it is happy to grow and surround your home. Since the beginning of its widespread use as the preferred ground cover, it has acquired a taste for fall raking. Through evolution, city grass has even developed the “Fall Itch”. Every fall it craves scratching. It is unable to scratch itself, so it relies on us to scratch it while we rake. Like a cat, it loves and needs this annual scratching. This is where the conspiracy comes in.
Because grass craves this annual scratching, it purposely holds on to leaves when we rake! It has found over time that the more it holds on to leaves, the harder and more frequently we rake. The harder and more frequently we rake, the more satisfaction the grass gets from the easing of the itch.
Between the grass and the trees, a bond has been created; a conspiracy to work together to frustrate humans who must rake the leaves.
But why you may as? For the grass, it is simply to get a good scratching to ease the Fall Itch.
For the trees, it is much more sinister and dark.
My research led me to the deepest and darkest truth about trees. It took me a very long time to accept and believe what I learned to be true about trees. Even now I find it hard to express and put into words. There is no other way, but to just say it. Trees in the wild are cannibalistic!
There I said it. I can imagine your disbelief and shock. I understand. Let me present the evidence and you can judge for yourself. I make no claims to be an expert, but I believe that you will agree with me when you have heard all the facts.
Trees in the wild, that is trees in the forest, grow and live with the same life-cycle as city trees. There is one exception. No one rakes the leaves that are shed by wild trees. The leaves fall from the trees and lay at their feet. Through a slow process, the leaves break down in decomposition. Their nutrients dissolve and make their way down to the roots of the trees. In essence, the trees are fed off of the leaves. Being cannibalistic, they thrive off of the decayed matter that they have shed and that others around them have shed. They feed off their own kind!
It is different for city trees. To survive they have altered the way they acquire nutrition. Since we rake up the leaves in the fall, that food source has been removed from them. They have had to survive off of the nutrients from the lawn fertilizer that leaches to their roots and off of the decomposed grass clippings. This significant change in diet has caused them to change. They have not forgotten the biological history of their cousins in the wild. They can only imagine the taste and satisfaction of a meal of decomposed leaves. Every fall they watch us as we take this away from them. They truly believe that we are doing it to torment them!
Their evolutionary response is simple. Trees have become vindictive toward humans. They will do anything to torment us for the way, they believe, we torment them. They willfully hold back leaves so even after raking there are fresh leaves on the ground. They encourage the grass to pleasure itself by holding on to the fallen leaves so we have to rake harder and more frequently. And, they laugh at us every time they see us look back at the fresh fallen leaves and question why trees do not let loose of their leaves at one time.
They are the leaders of this diabolical conspiracy. They will not rest in this conspiracy to torment every human who picks up a rake, every human who bags the leaves, and every human who uses a leaf blower! The evidence is clear!
I ask again, do you trust trees?